ive been racking my brain the past few hours trying to figure out what i can say to a certain someone that would just help her to realize. realize my struggles, my pains, my feelings. help her to realize the absolute affect she has on me. ive been walking up and down my apartment a lot. well more crutching than walking. ouch, armpits. even cried a little. i just want to say something that would make it all go away. something that would just be like... ahh..that feels so good. ha. (that "ahh" was like the ahh you make when your first get into a hot tub. or when you drink hot chocolate on a cold wintery frostbitten day) ive probably written out about 4 pages so far. of my frustrations and worries, doubts and wishes. then i realized nothing i can say is going to make me feel any better at this point. nothing that comes from me will bring me any kind a gratification. someone else has to say it. and getting upset isnt going to soften anyones heart. sigh.. theres nothing more for me to say. theres nothing left inside me to say.

why do minds think and react so differently? what is peace and comfort exactly? its different for everyone. i know one day, if i do what is expected of me. that all the peace and joy and happiness in the world and eternities will fill my soul above the rim like jakes over the top. i know that. but how will that happen exactly? will the desires of my heart be granted? or will my desires mold to fit what i have been given. or will we just all forgive and forget. literally. god said man cannot be saved in ignorance. but will ignorance be what saves us from despare, doubt, and wishful thinking. are we all just going to relax, in a way, from our scars and pains and just be happy. is heaven only heaven because those who are there have learned how to forgive and forget? so nothing really bothers them. so naturally its heaven. because its filled with happy people. so naturally its happy. i sure hope that isnt how it will be. for my sake.

i know im viewing life through a pin hole right now. i realize im just in a dark place and the future looks grim. i cant even begin to say i know what heaven is going to be like. because for one the scriptures say that heaven is beyond anyones imaginations. so if i can imagine it. its not nearly as good. that is one of the few thoughts that comfort soul the past few months. i get so bothered when some people dont do things i expect them to. but what i fail to realize is that what they arent doing, other people are. and i should be forever grateful for that. im mostly talking about my mom. she has been the real crutch of my life. she is my immovable rock and is the most amazing woman ive ever been priviledged to know. she's been so kind to me. checking up on my to see how my knee is feeling so much its almost annoying ha. i have nothing to be sad about. except my own inability to recognize eternal truths.
im done with this.. ha.
writing on this deep of a level that is. ive done too much of it lately. all it does is shrink my perspective. which is what separates us all i think.
so maybe ill talk to you all later haha. and by you all i mean mandy. cuz we both know your the only one reading this.